Tucker's Rules - help me help you.
Most things in this world make me angry, not because im a miserable guy but because your general stupidty drives me crazy. Most of you have no idea what its like being a genius. You see in this world there are two kinds of people, Cream and Sludge. Im the Cream and most if not all of you are Sludge. Sayings like "The cream of the crop" and "The cream rises to the top" apply to me. Simple yet true. So considering that I hang above you, I figured it was job to share some Tuckerisms or rules with you, to help break you of your ignorance. Listen Up, you may just learn something.
New Computer Rule: Stop giving me the fucking pop-up ads for Classmates.com! There's a reason I haven't talk to people for 25 years. Because I don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: he's mowing my fucking lawn.
New Teacher Sex Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who fuck their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky god damned bastards.
New Cosmetic Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, fuck girls, WE DONT CARE unless your sporting a fucking UNI.
New Coffee Guy Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," yeah you're the huge asshole.
New Sports Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. Next they will come out with womans pro basketball, yeah right like woman can play sports.
New HollyWood Rule (Dukes of Hazzard im talking to you): If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie; in the first place.
New Gift Rule: Fuck gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's for fucking cam whores who have wish lists. You know who buy them the shit on those lists, dirty old men and your fathers.
New Bathroom Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just fucking ate in the god damn stall. Hey asshole, do you really feel good about standing in a feces and piss infested 10x10 shoe box? Look man I just want to wash my hands, get my own paper fucking towel and get the hell out with the same amount of money as I walked in with, unless of course I just bought some blow.
New Baby Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. Fuck its not like he's in AA and Im asking his clean date. And I didn't really give a damn in the first place, see what happens when you try and be nice.
New Tattoo Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. Just like the barb wire tattoo around your skinny ass biceps doesn't make you Pam Anderson. Plus that shits right above the crack of your ass, thats tight. And it translates to "Cream of some young guy." Remember, the last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God that didn't have an STD.
New Fucking Water Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called JUICE, asshole. You want flavored water that adults drink? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. Now that's flavored water.
Ok I think I covered alot of shit here. Its up to you to follow this shit. Actually it wont really matter, you will always be sludge in my mind.
